Alcoholism And Toxic Family Dynamics
What the hell’s the matter with you, you stupid drunk?
Don’t worry about it man I still love you. You know that.
Do you know how much perfectly good money I blow on your freaking alcohol?
Well you know we do all love you in this family, and we really want you to get better. We’re just really tired of you being a piece of shit.
You’re not even going to believe what your mom said to me. That stupid piece of trash she’s got another boyfriend, she’s running around. I got to pay her alimony and this shit.
Well you know, I do want the best for your mother. We really do care. We love you, we just want best for us in the end. Everything’s about me.
You’re the one who’s the fucking drunk.
If you haven’t guessed it by now we are talking about toxic families, dysfunctional families, and the things that keep you stuck in alcoholism. Depression, in a cycle of endless bullshit, and we’re starting right now.
Hey guys, I’m Marcus and welcome back to TalkSober.com. If you’re new here and you want help with alcohol addiction, and with toxic families, and everything like that, metal health, go ahead and click that subscribe button right now, and click the little bell notification icon so you get all the new videos that I come out when I release them, and you get notifications when we go live and have online meeting lecture thingies about how you can stay sober.
Today what we’re doing is we’re talking about the dysfunctional family and the toxic family. So first of all let’s determine if you do in fact have a toxic family. When you’re dealing with toxic families, which is something that I’ve dealt for many years in my entire life, it’s very important to remember that this is the family you usually grow up with. So you’re kind of indoctrinate, almost like you’re living in a cult.
What happens here is kind of like the allegory of the cave. I think it was Plato who had the allegory of the cave. The allegory says that there’s a dude that’s sitting here. There’s all these prisoners, and all these prisoners are sitting here. I’m going to try to draw these prisoners as good as I can. These are all the prisoners, and they’re in their seats, and they’re all chained and locked into this cave. There’s this cave thing here, and they’re in this cave, and there’s this cave wall over here.
Now over here there’s like this bridge. There’s this bridge thing. Now these prisoners can’t turn around. They can’t do anything. There’s this bridge here, and the sunlight comes in over here. So there’s like a reflection. The reflection goes on to the wall.
Kind of interesting here. You might be thinking, well Marcus what are you talking about? How does this have to do with alcoholism, and dysfunctional families, and toxic family members, and toxic relationships?
Well what it has to do with is the fact that you are kind of like these prisoners. You’re sitting here, and you’re looking at what the sun projects on this cave. Now these prisoners don’t know anything else about life. They’ve been chained here their whole life, and what they see is people walking by, and certain things going by, and shadows. They think the shadow is reality. They think that their perception is reality.
Now when we grow up in dysfunctional families, and toxic families, and things like that you’re much like these people, only you’re free to move about the cabin. We look at it and we say, well am I looking at something, am I looking at a projection of something thinking it’s normal, because these guys think it’s normal. They think everything exists in shadow, and you might be thinking that your family is normal, and every family is like this, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
I’ll never forget the time a friend of mine came to me, I was about 19 years old and he came to me and he says, “Marcus, your family is pretty messed up. Families aren’t like this, families don’t treat each other like this. There’s something wrong.” To me I told him, “Well you’re crazy. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” That’s because I was looking at the shadow of the image instead of looking at what’s really going on here. We got to take a look at what’s really going on here.
First of all let’s talk about the dysfunctional family and the toxic family. What you want to do is you want to ask yourself, how do I feel when I’m around them? Do I feel bad? Do I feel disgusted? Do I feel wrong? Do I feel downcast, or depressed? Do I leave them thinking that I’m the one with the problem?
Often times what happens is you have toxic family members that are narcissistic, and they like to put everything on everyone else. Because to the toxic family it’s never their fault. I got uncles, and people that are just complete assholes, but it’s never their fault. They never take blame for anything. So we got to look at this and say, how is this effecting us? Because these are the things that keep us stuck. So we got to say, how do I feel when I’m around them?
How do I feel when I have to go see them? Is it a chore, is it something I don’t want to do? Do I feel like I got to do it out of obligation?
Well you don’t. You just feel that way, because you’ve been chained here. Been told what to think, what to feel, what to agree with. Now if you look at my family, we’re kind of an extreme case, not as bad as some, but a lot worst than others. We look at it and it’s almost like I grew up in my own little isolated cult. It’s like when you go into a cult and you get indoctrinated with thoughts, and you get brain washed with thoughts, and all these things happen in your mind, and you can’t see a way out because you’ve never seen a way in.
What we got to do is we got to look at that. Now the problem with a toxic family is they want to unload on you. What happens here is you have someone up here. This is, let’s call it our alcoholic. This might be you, and you’re struggling with alcoholism, you’re struggling things. Every little thing, every trigger is going to send you back to drinking, because you don’t know a better way.
Now in these videos we’re going to teach you a better way. Which is why you want to make sure you subscribe, but they don’t know a better way. Now with a toxic family you have these toxic members. Now all of these family members are as if you are the adult. So the parents act like the child is the adult. In my case they come to me, they come to my brothers, and stuff like that. What they do is they come to you, we’re going to draw them here with these big opened up mouths like this. So here they are with their mouths open.
What they do is they spew throw up, bullshit all over our poor addicted person, and they don’t know what to do. So they go to the family, they get all this bullshit just spewed all over them. Do you know what this guy did? Do you what that guy did? Do you know how much perfectly good money I owe you? Do you know what’s wrong with you?
Why can’t you get help? Do you know what your mom did? Do you know what your sister did? Do you know what your brother did? Barf, barf, barf all over your head, all over your mind.
Now this is toxic, that’s why we call it toxic relationships. Because, what they’re doing is they’re unleashing everything on you so that they can feel better. Which is completely insanely sick, and should be punishable by law, but it’s not so we have to figure out a way around it. They go and they throw up all their problems on you.
Then what happens with you is you don’t know what to do with it. You say, here I am I’ve got this toxic stuff all over me. What do I do? How do I deal with it? You say, well you know mom’s got this problem with Ted, and Dad’s got this problem with money, and Bob’s got this problem with this, and Sally, and Sue, and Jane have these problems with this stuff. You are now loading it on your head and you don’t know what to do, because you feel like you have to fix them. You feel like you have to fix them, because it’s a dysfunctional toxic relationship where they made you feel that way because they never grew up.
Unfortunately in so many cases, as with mine and many people I know, this poor person who is stuck in addiction, and it’s not like there’s no fault of this person. We got our own fault, and we got to learn to own it, but this person learned to grow up either. They never learned to deal with problems on their own. What happens is it leads them to the drink. That’s pretty big drink, but sometimes that’s how you feel after you get done talking to these people. You feel like you have to solve things, you feel like you have to do stuff, but here’s the secret.
The secret is toxic people can’t be fixed. You’re not going to fix them. Chances are your entire life you’ve been trying to fix them, you’ve been trying to do something about them, and nothings getting anywhere. You might make a little step forward or feel like it, but chances are it’s just part of the toxicity, part of the narcissism, part of the junk that they just can’t let go, and maybe it feels better for a second.
Secondly, they don’t want help. I’m talking some of my family members now. We have my brother who’s going through all this stuff, and some of the people just don’t want to stop what they’re doing. They’re like, I don’t want to stop drinking, it’s not my fucking problem. I can’t judge anyone, but from the outside it looks like they have a little bit of a problem.
We look at this and we say, well they don’t want help, they can’t be fixed, they are looking for every opportunity to spew all over you. Why? Because misery love company, and they have trained you to be in the grips of their junk. So what is the thing here? How is the helping? What’s going on?
First of all, you need to realize what’s going on, because the first thing we got to take these chains off of you, we got to turn you around and say look up at the bridge at all these fricking people that are messing your life up. All right? Then we have to take responsibility for where we are right now. Maybe you’re my age 30 something, I won’t let the cat out of the bag there, or maybe you’re older, or younger and you’ve been dealing with this, and you’ve been struggling with it. You got to turn around and you got to look at it and say, these people are sick, they have a problem, and we need to get away.
We got to get away. Now why do we have to get away? Because when you go through this stuff, and when you’re in a family, and when you’re indoctrinated in this, it’s much like a cult. If you were to go to a cult, and there’s a guy in a cult, and he’s sitting there, and he’s getting fed all this doctrine about bullshit. What’s happening is they can not get well unless they get away. Now it doesn’t mean that you hate people, it doesn’t mean you hate your family, it doesn’t mean you’re an evil person.
As much as they’re going to spew this all over you saying that is the case, it’s absolutely not the case. You are the sane one, you are the one that is making a change, you’re the one that’s going to break the mold, and hopefully maybe your actions will change them, but that’s not your job. Your job is not to fix or change anyone, but yourself.
The first way you’re going to do it is to get away and understand what’s going on. Get away and look at all the ways.
Hey maybe this stuff isn’t good for me. Get away, because once you get away and you run out of this cave, and you say well wait a minute there’s this whole world out there with rainbows, and butterflies. I’m going to draw a butterfly there, there’s my butterfly. Rainbows, and butterflies, and sunshine, because up until then you didn’t see the sunshine. Clouds, and rain, and happiness, and people, and everything like that. You might even find people that are actually genuinely good people, like most people that love everyone, and love you, and everything like that.
What we got to do is we got to isolate from the dysfunction. Now I’m not saying isolate all together and go live in a misery of woes or whatever we call it. What I’m saying is get away to somewhere healthy. Find some new friends, and some new people out there that love, because chances are there’s probably other family members in this group that got away the same thing. Now you were probably told that they were assholes, and they were wrong. My family called them the fucking atheist, and the terrible guy, and whatever. They got away and they have good families, and they have good things, and they’re good people.
The fact of the matter is, is you’ve been conditioned by this stuff so long, and it’s time to be free. You can look at it two different ways. You could look at it as depressing, saying this is so bad, this is whatever, and that’s what toxicity makes you do. It wants you to go to the sad. Or, you can look at it as the most liberating thing in the world, saying I have escaped this cult, and now I can be free to be me, and get good help for my addiction, because this is keeping me stuck. You have to look at your life, and you have to evaluate who and what is keeping you stuck, and how to get away from it, because sometimes unfortunately when you’re dealing with toxic people and people that have issues.
Sick be gets sick. Sick people have sick people, stuck people have stuck people, hurt people hurt people. We look at this and we say, for whatever reason these people are like this. I don’t need to judge them, I don’t need to talk shit about them, I don’t need to do anything. All I need to do is understand what’s going on, get away from it long enough for me to get help. Long enough for me, because this is about you, this is about your addiction, this is about you getting help.
We got to look at it and say, I can’t go back because every time you go back you’re going to get spewed on. One phone call you’re going to get spewed on, one little issue you’re going to get spewed on. We have to look at this and we have to say, I got to get to a world that is better than this. I need to get outside and I need to work on myself.
A lot of times in addiction they say that you need to be selfish and work on yourself. Then on the hand they say, well you’ve been selfish long enough. Well here’s the fact of the matter, and who gives a hell, who gives a fuck what it is.
Who cares if it’s selfish, who cares what it is. The fact of the matter is you are going to get well, and all the other stuff is going to be by the waist side, because you getting well is going to help you understand all this. Because if you look at it like a cult, or like a mind control thing, people react in extreme situations with extreme responses.
You are not the person you are meant to be in this bubble of shit. I don’t know what a bubble of shit looks like, I don’t think I want to. But, we look at it and we say, I’m not that person. I’m not that person, I am reacting under extreme circumstances. It’s time to get well.
Often times in recovery we find ourselves again. We understand who we’ve been all along and who’s been clouded by all of this junk. What we got to do is we got to look at that, and we have to get away, and we have to understand who is toxic and who is not. Chances are it’s probably best to get away and figure that out, and say well does this person have my back, is this person just looking in, and notice how you feel. Your feelings will tell you a lot, and your feelings are the things that is probably telling you to go drink, because you don’t know a better way.
We’re going to give you a better way, and we’re going to show you how to do this, but first get away from the toxicity and start to notice how you feel even when you think of people. You might think of mom and say what about mom?
How do I feel when I go see her? Do I feel down, depressed, disgusted? What about dad? Do I feel like I need to engage and gossip about everyone else? What about Sam? Do I need to feel like I owe him money, and feel all uptight, and shitty? Are they spewing stuff on me? Notice how you feel around these people, because your feelings are guided by this stuff, and it’s making you stuck. You’re going to learn to feel a better way.
Someone told me when I was in recovery in the beginning stages, you don’t have to feel this way anymore. You have the choice. You don’t have to feel any of this stuff anymore. You don’t need to the weight of your family, and the weight of your loved ones, or the weight of your spouse, or the weight of whatever on you anymore. You don’t have to feel this way. This could be the last day, the last minute, the last second that you have to feel this way.
You can start feeling better right now. What you got to do is you have to realize that this is going on. You have to free yourself and say I’m going to be okay. Then sometimes inevitably we do have to talk to people, you can be away from it. Like just this week I went and talked to my family, and the toxic stuff happened. Oh this, this, junk, junk, junk. I said, you know what this is what I’m doing. I’m here to help my brother get sober, I’m here to deal with this issue.
You guys could talk about whatever you want, but this is what I’m doing.
What it does is it pisses some people off, because they don’t like to see healthy people, because they don’t know how to get there, and whatever reason. Misery loves company, whatever. The fact of the matter is you are in charge of what you do. You are in charge of who you hang around and how that makes you feel.
What we’re going to do is we’re going to get out of here. We’re going to start to make you understand this. I want you to take a look at your life, I want you to take a look at the people in your life, and I want you to say who’s throwing up on me, and who wants me to be the best version of myself possible. Sometimes work is related, sometimes business is related, sometimes people are taking care of you, sometimes you’ve gotten yourself in a big mess with the very people who are keeping you stuck. What you got to do is you got to separate.
You got to separate, and you got to separate yourself from the person you’ve become, through alcohol and through all this stuff. You got to separate and say, that’s not me. I am not the sum of my thoughts, I am not the sum of my actions, I’m not the sum of the things I think, and I’m not the sum of the things I say. I am something more than that.
Now what’s been happening is the things that I do, the things I say, and the things I think have been controlled, because I have only seen life inside this cave that is my family. This cave is keeping you stuck, because all you see is the images on the wall. All you see is the images on the wall. You see these people that are causing you pain, and they throw up all their junk all over you, and you have nothing left to do. You feel drained, you feel downtrodden, you feel depressed, and you feel like there’s no hope.
I want to tell you there’s hope, and it’s very simple to see. All we got to do is get you outside the bubble, and start to see what’s really going on here. Start to see how this works. It’s not about looking at it and saying, oh this guys bad and terrible. You just say, you know what that’s how I feel around that person, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them, doesn’t mean I hate them, doesn’t mean I’m an asshole. Even if they say it, it doesn’t mean it. What I’m doing is focusing on how I need to feel to get sober.
What I want you to do is I want you to focus on how you need to feel to get sober. Now I realize this is a big chunky video that has lots of stuff in it. There’s going to be lots of questions, there’s going to be lots of things. What I want you to do is I want you to put your questions in the comments below. We’re going to have a video series about how to deal with family, and I’m going to bring in some real world examples of how I’m dealing with this right now, because there’s a lot of issues going on. There’s a lot of things going on, and it’s very easy to just say fuck it let’s stay stuck. It’s very easy to do it. It’s very easy to go back to someone who acts like they’re your friend and they’re not really.
They’re not really. A friend wouldn’t want you to be stuck, a friend wouldn’t throw up all this junk on your head. A friend is there to support you as much as you support them. Maybe right now you don’t have a lot to support them with, not financially, but emotionally. Maybe you don’t have that. You need to find someone who’s got it even in the absence of yours, because there are people out there, and there are people that love you, and you got to focus on it. Even if it’s me.
Write some stuff, we’ll make some videos for you, and we’ll help you out. We got to get you out of this cave, because as Plato pointed out these people are looking at the images on the wall, and the images are not reality. The images are distorted by living in a cave so long. Your images, and your thoughts, and your feelings, and everything have been distorted by living in the cave where you’re getting all this shit, and there’s all this shit being thrown on you. What you got to do is you got to get away.
Whether it’s a solitude corner in the house, whether it’s going 9 million miles away. I don’t even know if you could do that. That’d be like some weird star, or planet, or something with the aliens, but we need to get you away to where you can be in solitude in your mind, and you could say Lord help me, or whoever you pray to. It doesn’t matter, but God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change. I can’t change these people. I got to accept this as it is. Doesn’t mean I need to accept Joe and take his shit, doesn’t mean I need to accept whatever and take her shit, or mom and dad and take her shit. It just means you accept them as they are.
I can’t change them. Accept them as they are. That’s what I get. That’s the hand I was dealt. Then you got to say, give me the courage to change the things I can. What can I change? Right now I can change me. I can change my perception, I can get out, I can stop drinking, I can get the help I need. Whether that’s rehab, whether that’s detoxing, whether it’s reading things, whether it’s watching every single video I have on my YouTube channel over, and over, and over again until you learn to get sober. Again, see a doctor. Anyway. I’m not a doctor, or trained person, or anything like that. I just know what worked for me, and I hope that it works for you as well.
We look at that and we say, I can’t change these people, all I can do is get better for myself. You know what? That’s the best gift you could ever give these people in the entire world, is you getting healthy, because when you get healthy that’s all that matters. Then you can do other stuff and help other people as well.
I hope you enjoyed this video, and I really want to tell you from the bottom of my heart, I feel for you. I know how hard it is to deal with this stuff, and I know how hard it is to deal with it and addiction. I know one phone call back then could’ve taken me to the bar. You might as well … My family might as well of picked me up and took me to the bar when they talked to me. It’s not necessarily their fault, I’m in charge of my drinking, but this is what’s going on. You’ve been blinded, get out. Start to understand what is on the other side of the cave, because you’ve been indoctrinated, and realize that it doesn’t mean your bad if you don’t take people’s shit. It just means you’re getting well.
I hope you are getting well, and I hope you do overcome your alcoholism no matter what it takes. I look forward to seeing your comments on this video. Kind of a heavy topic so put your comments there. I do read the comments. Every single one of them as I can. Let’s get sober together. Let’s get well, let’s start to understand that you can start a brand new life right now, and this is the last day you ever have to feel like this. Thanks again for watching this. Make sure you subscribe for the next videos. I look forward to reading your comments, and I’ll see you in the next video.
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